Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I am available for nakedness
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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