i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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