the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
