You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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