we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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