Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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