Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
