I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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