im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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