the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
