Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize