my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
