Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
