I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
