Your tits are I can't wait for
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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