sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
