whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize