He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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