Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
