: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
