i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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