It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
