Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
