You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
