Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
