her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
