***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
