I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
