Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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