dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
