I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
