You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
