she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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