I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize