I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
