Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's shark week go big or go home
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
