No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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