Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I fill condoms, not promises.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
