My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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