Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
