Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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