he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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