I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
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