You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
