READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize