I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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