you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
