I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize