This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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