Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
