Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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