Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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