Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
