i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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