Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize