Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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